I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
