Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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