i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
