Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
