I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
