can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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