Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
