last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
