Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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