just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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