my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
This baby is an asshole
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
