I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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