I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
