I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
