did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Randomize
