Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
