burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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