eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
