i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
