You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
