Your mouth is God's brothel.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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