If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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