And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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