By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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