I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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