He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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