that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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