Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
