Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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