i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
