She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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