I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
