That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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