We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
