Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
