no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
