those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
