you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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