I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
