Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just google imaged poop.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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