I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
