you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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