I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
