If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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