Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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