Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
