On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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