Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
