i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
