she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
